Ghosting or Ghouling: Dealer’s Choice

Yes, it’s that time of year again. Mariah Carey is thawing as we speak. But first, Halloween is approaching. It's the one time of year girls (and gays and everyone inbetween) can dress up any way they want without getting called a whore or a slut. And it's important to contribute to that experience and celebrate it not just on Halloween, if you know what I am saying; and I think you do.

But, anyway, the real reason I'm here is to dissect the concept and action of ghosting and if you would rather be ghosted or a term I am referring to as "ghouled".

Ghosting is the classic you are texting someone or multiple someones and all the sudden they fall off the face of the earth or you were seeing someone and dare went well but then out of nowhere complete radio silence - also could just be a one and done hookup that you thought bought parties enjoyed; tag on lovebombing here as that tends to be in the mix here as an action item as a precursor to getting ghosted. I do feel like this has become extremely common given the avoidant, conflict averse nature that I think prevails primarily in the dating scene.

Ghouling is when the person actually communicates with you that they are no longer interested or are not interested aka a breakup of sorts - I don't say breakup because ghouling usually is found in the early stages of the situationship like what is going on here or first dates timeline. It is the, “Hey, I had a really nice time and think you are great but I am going through a lot and I think I would value this more as a friendship…blah blah blah yeah yeah yeah”.

So, which is worse - being completely shut off in terms of contacting a potential love or actual love interest or getting directly told in some version of that this is not them that's the "problem" it's you and they wish you well in the never ending drowning abyss of the dating pool

In this brief, peer reviewed evidence based comparison, let's break down with a pro/con discussion on each from the role if you are the receiver of said ghost or ghoul.

Probably the sole advantage of a ghost is it shows you immediately that the person is not the match you may have thought. Ghosting in a weird way gives you the permission and reframing to save your emotional energy and time on/for someone that is actually worth it. Also, the experience itself makes you more privy for future suitors to understand possible detections of this earlier on. It’s the Keke Palmer, “You didn't break up with me, you released me”.

I think we can all agree ghosting does not feel good at all. It brings the self-doubt volume to a thousand, with the so loud almost deafening questions of “What did I do wrong?” and “Should I have done something differently?”. You start coming up with excuses for this person to, trying to explain this bump in the road on Honeymoon Avenue. You know what maybe they lost their phone, or their phone is broken and can’t sent texts. Or, they have been so swamped at work that’s why I haven’t heard from them all week!!

One of the other big pieces here is that there is a lack of closure on the matter. This connection door is left ajar without rhyme, reason, or response. Fast forward to a month after getting ghosted and here comes the ghoster with a slide into your DMs after you just posted a thirst trap to your IG story. Of course. Coming back around for what exactly??? There is the “Sorry, I was [insert lengthy excuse here].” It now brings back a flood of emotions with apprehension yet maybe excitement and glimmers of hope. Ghosting allows for this manipulative state of wonder. Stay to long and it could be a tilt-a-whirl of chaos (derogatory).

On the other hand, ghouling truly gives closure. You know where you stand and it provides a path forward and space to then work to move on depending on how much was invested in this potential match. You aren’t left up at night staring at the ceiling wondering what if or what you could’ve done to fix it. I am not saying it doesn’t hurt, but it at least puts wrapping paper and a bow on what could have been.

However, ghouling can be a bruise to the ego or it is almost like you were beat to the punch. “Oh, you don’t want to date me; well GOOD because I don’t want to either.” This hits to the point that everyone wants to be wanted and being told, “Let’s be friends!”. Also, no…I have enough friends. Thanks though. :)

This Halloween, let’s try to be ghouls and not ghosts. Both can have their place in the dating ecosystem, but if we are choosing between the two, I think I would rather be ghouled. At least the ghoul has the decency to knock on the door before leaving the house.

Ghosting may spare someone an uncomfortable conversation, but it ultimately transfers that discomfort to the person left behind. They are now responsible for creating their own ending, which usually involves excessive overthinking, rereading text messages, consulting friends, analyzing response times, and somehow deciding that the problem was the fact that they used one too many exclamation points three weeks ago.

Ghouling, on the other hand, requires a little more courage. It means saying, “I don't think this is going to work for me,” and accepting that the other person may be disappointed. It may bruise the ego, but at least the bruise can heal. A ghost leaves you haunting the house of what ifs.

And maybe that is really the difference. Ghosting leaves you with a question mark. Ghouling leaves you with a period.

So, as we enter another spooky season and Mariah Carey slowly begins her annual thaw, let’s do our part for the dating community. Communicate. Be direct. Don't disappear because an uncomfortable conversation feels harder than simply ignoring someone's existence. You don't have to provide a dissertation, a five-paragraph essay, or a detailed explanation of every reason you aren't interested. Sometimes a simple, “I had a nice time, but I don't think this is the right connection for me” is enough.

Because ultimately, being rejected hurts a lot less than being left wondering if you were rejected at all.

And if you absolutely must disappear, may you at least have the decency to do it on Halloween.